Gender Confusion: Retold

Being transgender is one of the hardest obstacles to overcome in today’s society.  The transformation that one goes through is no small feat by any means.  One puts everything at risk when he or she decides that transition is for him or her.  The individual’s inner world will have to be expressed.  This information will be judge by someone in the medical field.  The key to a successful transition is to take things one step at a time.

The feeling that I was transgender did not start until I was around fifteen years of age.  Before this, I identified as a gender congruent male.  For whatever reason, my brain decided it would be a cool idea to try on opaque hosiery sometime during puberty.  I never actually accomplished this goal until much later.  The idea remained a fantasy for quite some time.  I never actually told anyone in person about my desires until the summer of 2002.  While I was in the shower, this individual put a skirt and top on my bed as a joke.  The only thing that this person did not realize was that she was the one being fooled.  When I got out of the shower, I saw the clothes and tried them on to see if they would fit.  Once I told the individual that brought out the clothes for me to find, she let me keep them. 

Around the spring of 2003, my desires went beyond just wearing women’s clothes.  I actually wanted to be seen as a girl in everyday life.  I had no idea where this thought came from.  I did not know what to do with this new found idea.  I developed a sense of jealousy towards the girls in my school.  I wanted to be as they were, but I knew that I could not achieve this goal no matter how hard that I tried. 

During the winter of 2004, I decided that it was time to start developing my voice.  I did not practice very often.  I only practiced for about an hour every night.  I eventually gave up after three weeks of practice because I still was not one hundred percent sure that I was indeed a transsexual.

I then decided that even if I were a woman at birth, I probably would not have been that different anyway.  That is when I started identifying as genderless individual.  This only lasted for a little over a year.  It was probably just an effort to reduce to my dysphoria.  I did not realize that my gender issues would be back stronger than ever when they surfaced once again.    

During the spring of 2007, my dysphoria returned to the forefront of my mind.  I became upset about being a guy.  I then went searching for information on the Internet regarding transsexualism.  I eventually found the huge trans community that existed on Youtube.  I ended up receiving a private message from someone in regards to a comment I had left on a video.  She and I became great friends.  This individual also became my twenty four hour therapist. 

For the next four years, I kept going back and forth on whether I was truly trans or not.  This was a very dark period in my life.  I could not find any logical reason as to why I felt fine as a male for fifteen years of my life, and then suddenly feel negative about my gender for the second half of my life.  I got so depressed about not being able to figure this out that I once said that I wanted to suck all the sin out of the world and then die.  I never had a strong Christian upbringing, so it is interesting that I used the word “sin” instead of “evil.” 

During the spring of 2011 is when I finally decided that I was going to transition.  I figured out that I would never know one hundred percent if transition was right for me until I decided to go for it.  I did not have that much to lose in the first place.  I was not close to anyone in my family outside of the immediate members.  I did not have a whole lot of close friends left.  They had all moved to another state at this point in their lives.  I did not have a job at this point, so it would have been impossible to any type of employment.  The only thing holding me back was my own doubt. 

The first step I took in my transition was to develop a female voice.  I did not have any money to do anything else.  You do not need money in order to work on a voice.  Voice surgery is just expensive garbage that does not yield positive results the majority of the time.  Why pay for something that you can achieve yourself? 

The first thing I did in regards to developing a female voice was talk to my friend from Youtube.  I also downloaded a spectrogram as well as virtual voice tuner.  I learned that the female voice is between 200-230 hertz while voices are between 100-120 hertz.  Raising the pitch up to the female range was not super difficult.  Finding the correct resonance for the female voice is the challenging part.  Females have less of a bass in their voices, but the trick is not getting rid of the bass completely.  The female voice is just less of the male voice.  In order to achieve the female resonance, one needs to tighten up the base of her through and then relax enough in order to project her voice loud enough to be heard.  It is easier to show how this is done than the written word can do to explain the process.  There was a content creator on Youtube that showed the breathing exercises that she used.  I learned where the female resonance was located by breathing in through my mouth and nose at the same time.  By doing this, one will hear the breath inside her own head.  Everyone has heard her voice inside her own head before.  If one has ever been to the mountains or inside of a pool, then chances are that her ears have popped while she was in the middle of a conversation.  This can also occur after an individual yawns.  Immediately after she starts to speak, the voice will be in her head and then the ears pop.  Hearing the breath inside of one’s head is similar to those instances.  When words are spoken, the throat needs to remain someone tightened but loose enough to be projected.  When I first learned how to speak in a more feminine voice, I fell victim to the same issue that every other transsexual does when developing her voice.  I was too scared to relax my throat enough to allow my full voice to be heard.  This made things sound off.  I did not like the sound of my voice at all.  After I practiced for several months, I realized that I no longer needed to breathe through my nose in order to help tighten up throat.  I learned how to tighten my throat and just breathe in through my mouth.  Melodic intonation is the final step in achieving a female voice.  I used the Harvard Sentences in order to learn how to speak like the majority of women in today’s society.  I just downloaded a few sample files from the Internet.  The first sentence is the one I practiced the most.  This sentence read, “The birch canoe slid under the smooth planks.”  I must have recorded this sentence at least fifty times or more. 

During April of 2012, I scheduled a voice consultation with the legendary Andrea James.   I was shocked to learn that I was rather advanced in my voice progression.  I still did not like the sound of my voice, but I would have to learn to accept it as time pushed forward. 

In May of 2013, I finally obtained a job out in the work force.  I was a call center representative at my local electric utility company.  I had to go back to using my male voice for the majority of each day.  I still kept up with my voice practices at night.  Throughout the next year and a half, I noticed that my male voice had changed somehow.  While trying to speak with more melodic intonation to customers in my male voice, I realized that I was going up into the female register without even trying.  The customers never said a word about the change in pitch and resonance.  They were too busy complaining about how I sounded like a foreigner.  I was born and raised in the Baltimore area, so I have no idea why others thought I was Chinese or Jamaican.

During April of 2015, I decided to come out to my supervisor at work.  She found out from the human resources department that I would need to have my name legally changed in order to present as female.  I still had to use the men’s bathroom until my name was officially changed by a judge.  The people I would run into within the bathroom were starting to ask me if I belonged in there.  I told my supervisor as well as my human resources representative about the issue, but there was nothing anyone could do until my name change was finalized. 

The name change process is not that difficult in the state of Maryland.  Only three sheets of paperwork are required to change one’s name.  I had to fill out the petition for a name change in the most princess like handwriting possible.  I then had to fill out the paper to publish my name change in a local paper.  I then filled out part of the order for a name change that the judge would approve.  The total cost for everything came to about seventy two dollars.  The judge denied the order the first time due to my bad handwriting.  I went up to the courthouse the following week and got everything resolved.  I had someone assist me on how I could make my handwriting more legible. 

My name was legally changed as of July 31, 2015.  I was finally able to present as female at work two weeks later.  My human resources representative held mini meetings within the call center.  I did not particularly care for the presentation regarding the overview of transgenderism, but the meetings were not God awful by any stretch of the imagination.  I should have been the one to give my own presentation.  None of my co-workers showed any ill will towards me after I transitioned.  One girl hugged in the bathroom because she had an uncle that went through a gender transition as well 

Living as a transsexual has not been too horrible.  I still get misgendered from time to time, but that does not bother me as much anymore.  I know what I have been through to get where I am today, and that is all that matters.  I no longer need anyone else’s approval to be who I am.  My thoughts are what brought me to the choices that I have made over the course of my life.  Just because someone else has a different idea about how another individual should live does not make his or her perception more accurate by any means.  Everyone makes correct choices most of the time, but the consequences do not always look how he or she thinks it should.  The only poor choice that one can make is to think about negative situations that have not arisen or to choose to be so afraid of making the wrong choice that he or she does nothing at all.  I chose to do something about the discomfort that I had with my gender.  I ended up smelling like a rose in the end.  Anyone can come up on the positive side of a situation as long as he or she keeps pushing forward.  As long as a person remains active towards some end, then it will be impossible for the individual to lose.   

  

Transitioning at Work

Transitioning at work can be one of the scariest things that an individual can face.  One faces the possibility of being ridiculed to no end.  The loss of employment is also an issue that one might have to deal with if he or she comes out as transgender.  I was lucky enough to actually have an employer that was somewhat sensitive to needs of transgender employees. 

As I mentioned in an earlier post, I came out to my supervisor via text message because I was too afraid to tell her the details in person.  This was a very cowardly decision on my behalf.  I was told by the human resources department that I would have to get my name legally changed in order to present as my true gender at work.  I then jumped through all the hoops necessary to change all of my identification documents.  After this was completed, the human resources department said that they would hold miniature meetings to let everyone in the call center know about the change that I was going through.  I was present for every one of these meetings.  I found it a bit annoying how the representative from the human resources department kept trying to explain how transgender individuals feel through the use of a Power Point presentation.  Feelings cannot be summed up by statistics from the Internet.  I should have been the one to explain the issues transgender people face regarding coming out to others.  These meetings only lasted about an hour.  Everyone then went back to work as if nothing had ever happened. 

I was now entitled to use the women’s bathroom on a regular basis.  No one ever complained about me using the bathroom whatsoever.  One person actually gave me a hug and was inspired by my courage to transition.  She told me that she had a sibling that went through the same thing.  I was quite shocked to see that most people were supportive of what I had done.  Life seemed to get a lot easier from this point forward. 

No one ever knows how a situation will turn out until it arises.  Most of the fears that people experience are just images that are built up in their minds.  Reality is never as scary as the perceived horror.  It has been said that people need to face the consequences of their actions, but what I have learned is that consequences are already put in place once an individual gives energy to an idea.  People do not pay the price for their actions.  They pay the price for their thoughts.    

Legally Female

(Please read "The Power in a Name" before reading this post.)

After getting my name changed in July of 2015, I thought it was time to get my other legal documents changed as well so that there would not be any confusion down the road.  Changing one’s name was a pretty simple process.  I hoped that altering documents such as my social security card and my birth certificate would not be too difficult. 

I got my social security card changed in the middle of August 2015.  Social Security only required the paper showing my legal name change and some basic information from my doctor in order to issue a new card.  The card came in the mail less than a week later.  I expected a longer wait time due to the fact that any federal organization takes forever to notify anyone about anything. 

The next big hurdle I faced regarding legal documentation happened in October 2015.  I went down to the Department of Vital Records to get the information on my birth certificate changed.  The department branch in Baltimore County is located inside of a shopping mall of all places.  My case was pretty cut and dry.  I forgot to get a letter from primary doctor stating that I had been on hormones for a year and a half.  I almost left the department without getting my gender marker changed.  I was lucky that I the representative who took my case went out on a limb and decided to call my doctor to confirm that I had been on hormone therapy for a year and a half.  I ended up paying fifty dollars for two copies of my birth certificate.

I was quite shocked at how easy it was to change all of my legal documents.  I have heard about horror stories in other states, but nothing seemed to be too terrible in the state of Maryland.  All I needed was paperwork showing that my name had been changed by the court, and that was it.  There were a lot of minor bureaucratic errors trying to reach the person in charge of changing the information on my documents, but those are going to exist no matter what the issue at hand may be.  All anyone can do is keep pushing forward regardless of what kind of obstacles get in the way.  Once one accepts the challenges that come with going through a gender transition, then everything else will eventually fall into place.  Winning is guaranteed as long as an individual’s outlook remains positive. 

The Power in a Name

(Please read "Changes for the Better" before reading this post.)

During the summer of 2015, I decided that it was time to get my name changed.  I started to get some funny looks in the men’s bathroom, and people kept asking me if I belonged there.  I came out to my supervisor via text message because I was too much of a coward to tell her how I felt in person.  My supervisor called me into her office the next day and told me to tell her in person what I had told her over the phone.  I was extremely nervous when I told her that I was transgender.  She then sent an e-mail the human resources department asking if there was any policy regarding transgender individuals.  It turns out that I had to get my name legally changed in order for me present myself as my true gender at work.  This requirement seemed logical at first, but I began to lament due to all the bathroom issues I was having. 

The name change process in the state of Maryland was not too much of an obstacle to overcome.  I was not able file my paperwork with the court until the middle of June.  There were only three different forms to fill out in order to change my name.  I filled out the main petition for a name change.  An individual needs to explain why he or she would like to change his or her name.  The notice for a name change is used for advertising your new name in the press.  If anyone objected to my name change petition, then then he or she would have had fifteen days to file a claim explaining why my name should not be altered.  The order for a name change had to be signed by a judge.  The name change process no longer required an individual to go before a judge in person for the name change petition to be granted.  The processing fees ended up being seventy dollars for the completion of all the paperwork. 

I received a letter regarding the status of my name change in the mail a month after I filed the petition.  The petition ended up being denied due to bad hand writing.  I was extremely angry when this event transpired.  The press seemed to be able to read my hand writing, so why was the court being so rigid in regards to my petition.  I went back up to the court at the start of the next week to find out what had happened.  I told one of the civil clerks that my handwriting looks a little funky due to having Cerebral Palsy.  I was advised to go to the free legal center on the first floor, and that the people there might be able to assist me further. 

I went down to the free legal center and spoke to a woman regarding the problem I was having, and she helped me out with how to get passed this bureaucratic issue.  She was not allowed to write for me because that would have been against the rules.  The handwriting issue was finally resolved, and I submitted my amended petition to change my name.  I got a letter in the mail a week later stating that my name change had been granted.

The whole name change process was not anywhere near as bad as I thought it was going to be.  The hiccup regarding bad handwriting was just stupid, but there were no major issues in this whole process.  Everything was straightforward and simple.  All I had to do was fill out a couple of forms, and that was it.  I was very happy to be finished with this part of my transition.  I could now move on to my next big adventure. 

Changes for the Better

(Please read "The Beginning of My Physical Transformation" before reading this post.)

During February 2015, I thought it was time to start dressing as female as well as look into starting hair removal.  I had been on hormones for about eleven months or so, and now it was time to take the next major step in my transition.  I was extremely nervous about how I was going to look in women’s clothes, but I decided to step up to the plate anyway. 

I did not purchase anything that was noticeably feminine for quite a while.  I bought a few pairs of jeans as well as slack pants.  The blouses I bought were very plain, and did not have any designs on them whatsoever.  I actually wore these clothes to work, and so one said a word to me.  I never went bought anything at a physical store location.  Everything I purchased was online through Amazon, Target, or Walmart.  Walmart always had things cheap items for sale in its clearance section.  I picked up the slack pants for about eight dollars apiece.

My mustache and beard have always been made up of light and dark hairs.  The best way for me to approach hair removal was to start with laser and then transfer to electrolysis at a later time.  The closest place to me was only about five minutes away from where I lived.  The prices seemed to be a little more expensive than the other companies I had checked out, but I would have had to waste a lot more money in gas if I would have gone with any of them.  I paid almost three hundred dollars for the full face in each session.  I never actually saw any hair fall out after each session was finished.  I had always heard that some hairs would fall out a few days after a hair removal session.  That experience never happened to me.  I did laser for about five months before I switched to electrolysis.  I still had some sections on my face with dark hair, but it was nowhere near as bad as when I first started.  Laser was getting quite expensive, and I just could not afford it anymore.  Electrolysis was cheaper even if it covered a smaller area of my face. 

I finally had taken two huge steps regarding my transition, and I reached these plateaus unscathed.  The fear I had envisioned was something I made up in my head.  I created problems out of things that did not exist.  Once I finally decided to see the reality of the situation, I was no longer afraid to go for what I wanted.  I lived in fear of transition for almost a decade.  I finally set my emotions free from their invisible cages.